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aeroplanesareimpossible
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Interests: reading the back of cereal cartons. discussing the pre-existential meaning of life. finding a post modern existence quite drab. searching diligently for those canadian mole holes.
Expertise: flying over canada to drop propaganda pamphlets filled with capitalist undercurrents. burning socialists at the stake. performing drip torture on non-federalists.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  crotch19
Member Since:
1/23/2004
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| :: regrets, mistakes, tears, anger, frustration, emotional instability ::
something
in my subconscious has lately triggered so many fond memories of 2002,
2003, 2004 and even parts of early 2005. i met her the night of
december 27, 2002 and i never really thought i'd see her after we all
departed washington d.c. that new year's eve. we conversed awkwardly
that last night at the hotel. we both danced aroud what we really
wanted to say and later we'd laugh at our own pathetic awkwardness.
nearly five months later to the day she became my first real
girlfriend. for the majority of three years she was my best friend.
early on, i didn't quite know what to do with a girlfriend and i
remember that in july of '03 i thought breaking up with her would be a
good idea simply because i had to divide my time with her and with my
friends. i knew those thoughts were selfish and i stuck it out, sadly i
didn't quite figure that lesson out all-together and that would be my
downfall two summers later.
i had to spend all of friday in
philadelphia and my mind can be fucking cruel sometimes. i am the
epitome of sentimentality. it is a curse. i dropped off my film at the
lab and headed over to bainbridge street for breakfast. i got a great
parking space less than a block from the cafe and it was free til 10am
so i decided on a walk to penn's landing. floods of so many fond
memories with her on south street rushed thru the gates of my memory
and i nearly began to break down and cry right there on the street. the
thoughts of 'what if' and 'why' tormented me: what if i hadn't been
such a jerk to her last spring and why did she have to get all hipster
on me? - maybe if i hadn't been so mean to her for that month or so
then maybe she wouldn't have began to find so many new friends who
would never accept me as someone that they could be friends with. maybe
then she wouldn't have spent so much time with steve, who showed her so
much nice attention while i was ignoring her for no good reason.
it was a year ago tonight that i called her and she didn't answer and
when i called back a half hour later she informed me that she was on
the river with steve having wine. it was the night of july 24th when my
world really began to fall apart. it was the night she first chose
everyone else over me. i drove home in anger, i called her repeatedly
and only got her voicemail. we finally talked at two am that night and
decided that we were going to talk and work all these horrible
'wrinkles' out.
a month and a half later we were over.
september fourth was the day. i ignored her. a few weeks later she
pleaded with me to shoot a wedding with her. she asked me to breakfast
that morning. she asked me to dinner after the wedding. something good
was happening. two weeks later i left for colorado. i called her on the
afternoon of october seventh - we talked a few minutes and it was good.
for the majority of the next month i was on the interstate or in denver
with z, jp, lucas and the rest. we talked on the phone every few days
and i told anna that there was a 66% chance me and carina would be back
together by thanksgiving. i was right.
i'd been home 8 days
and i went to see her at tyler. the next night, november first, we went
out on our first date in quite some time. we sat at penn's landing and
she told me she missed me - that she wanted me back. i more than
eagerly did so - finally the love i had lost had returned and we were
embarking down a bright and new path. something was different this time
- she wasn't so eager to come visit me as she used to - the 60 mile
barrier was always an issue, but nothing more than an hour in the car
and $15 in gas couldn't fix. i drove to see her tirelessly. i helped
her move. i spent every waking moment dreaming of finally moving to the
city and being able to finally see her every day - something that we
were unable to do after the first 10 days we were together.
it
was valentine's day and we never put much into such an empty holiday
but she called me that morning to tell me that she had a flat tire.
there was no work that day so i went to see her and to fix her tire. i
took care of it for her and later that night i could tell something was
wrong. three days later she broke my heart again.
i wonder why
my mind fucks with me so much. that was nearly six months ago and there
was very little thought of her outside of a week or so in june where i
was lonely and missed her. the past week has been a week of total
instability for me - i think about her often and i miss the old carina
- the one who was my best friend for so long and couldn't wait til the
weekend so that she could see me. we did a lot of nothing during those
weekends but it didn't matter. we were together and nothing could
dampen our spirits. i torture myself thinking about my fucking
complacency towards her last spring - when i found myself enamored with
another girl, a highschool girl, who
was just about to graduate and go to college. i wonder why i didn't put
that ring on her finger when she pleaded with me to marry her. i wonder
why i couldn't tell her that i wanted to marry her that day at messiah
college when she told me she didn't think i would. i wonder where my
best friend went.
i can't help but cry anymore. i shouldn't be
sad - i have jesus and i live in the greatest country in the world -
those two things should be enough for anyone, but the piercing pain of
lonliness can drive one to madness, sadness, regrets, etc.. i suppose
i've learned a few things: to never take the things we cherish for
granted - and i definately took her love for granted - i thought that i
could ignore her and she'd still come after me, she'd still love me and
eventually everything would be alright. i've learned that relationships
in some way, are a type of sanctification - they can show us how
horrible and disgustingly selfish we are. perhaps we say that we only
act that way becasue the other person brings it out, but of course we
are wrong. we were always that way, we just never had an opportunity to
display our filth in such an awful manner.
i feel like i've
lost where i was really going with this whole memoir. i guess in the
end i miss those two and a half years with a young woman i deeply
cherished. i miss all of those road trips, coffees and meals at diners
that we shared. i miss just walking around with a smile on my face and
her hand in mine. she's not that girl anymore and i understand that we
could never enter into a relationship again, but i wish it had never
gotten to that point - i wish i would have been decisive and made the
choice to make her mine when that was the thing she wanted most.
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| :: get behind me ::
oh my goodness, i am so sick of these highs and these lows.
it would please me if life were more simple.
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| :: i'm a fake ::
i pretend i'm ok.
i pretend that even though i'm surrounded by people that love me that i'm not lonely.
i pretend that things i've been doing (the steelers, my trip west, my
friends out here, etc...) are keeping my mind off of the things i
struggle with.
i pretend i'm strong, when i am weak.
i pretend i'm not afraid of anything, even though i'm afraid of everything.
i pretend everything that hurts me doesn't really hurt me.
i pretend there is no pain when there is much heartache.
i don't know why i do this.
i am so vulnerable...
yet i like no one to know...
except those closest to me.
i can tell them...(and they are very few)
but it is hard.
who can I cry with?
who can i laugh with?
everyone.
and no one.
i want to be real
...but i'm a fake.
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| :: why won't you just tell me what's going on? ::
colorado, i am on my way.
perhaps i will fall in love with you.
talk to you soon.
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| good things that have happened because of the demise of david + carina:
re-establishing friendships with: t-bone, timmy j, liz, amy
spending more time than usual with: nj, kate, jon, laura, nm
apologized to: nikki, matt
stopped cursing, for the most part.
drinking coffee again (and it doesn't hurt)
picked up smoking, and quit
relying on God more
praying more
reading bible more
reading in general more
writing more
photographing more
visited my grandfather
visited lydia
being completely honest with people, even though it may mean being alienated from them
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